To be honest, I never thought I would make it to my 31st birthday. When I was a kid, it seemed so far away and out of the realm of possibility. Only old people made it that long in the world I was living in. I was young and vibrant.
Now that I’m here, it really isn’t all that bad at all. I feel like the same kid that had those thoughts. I get older physically, but my brain is still able to keep that youthful exuberance throughout the years. It’s that exuberance, that youthful joy that makes me excited for the future now.
I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time, the future is looking bright, and it seems like I’ve found a direction to head towards. It’s just the road ahead that needs to be traveled upon, but it’s waiting for me. I’m taking the first steps into this journey now that I’m finally prepared to embark. And I didn’t do it alone.
Family and friends have always been there for me, to either knock me down from a perch I was standing on or pick me up when I couldn’t bring myself to my feet. In every one of these situations, I may not have said that I appreciate their efforts, but they should know that their help inspired me to do more, to be more.
With all that has gone on over the years, it has all led to the person that I am now. I don’t think I’m so bad, but there’s always room for improvement. The difference now is that I can see a brighter future just beyond the horizon. While it’s still far away, it’s seems attainable. I’ll be on my way soon, but I wouldn’t have made it to this point without everyone in my life.
I thank you guys and appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
One of the first posts I put up here was about a dear friend of mine that passed away a few years ago. Her impact on my life can be seen every single day. She would have been 30-years-old today.
She is the most unique person that I’ve met. She lived for every minute that she was on this plane. I know she is somewhere out there, just making fun of all of her friends without abandon.
Below is the original post, untouched. I keep it this way because it is a raw memory, there’s still a wound there, one that still hurts to talk about. But it also makes me happy to think about her. For those of you that have lost someone close, you know what I mean.
Cara will forever be in my heart. I hope she knows that.
On an Island in the Sun…
This song, especially this lyric, remind me of someone very special to me. She was my best friend and nap buddy. She would come by my house and hang out until the early morning hours where we would just talk and make fun of each other for hours. After that we would take a nap before I drove her home. We did that for the longest time before she moved down to Florida, and even when she did move down there we would still talk pretty often, usually at 4 am on her way back from some random place. She would tell me all about what she did over there, be it something funny, offensive, or just plain ridiculous. Usually at that time of night there is nothing good to wake up to, but whenever I got that call from her, a calm smile would be drawn across my face.
She did a bunch of things that made me smile. Of all the people I’ve known in my life, she must’ve had the most amazing experiences I’ve ever heard. Some of her mishaps are probably the funniest things that happened to her. It was only funny because she never took it too seriously. While something that happened to her would be embarrassing for anyone, instead of going into a cocoon, she would embrace it. I loved that about her, she was just amazing. I only wish I could embrace everything like she did…
We were alike in one way for sure, that is we are amazingly stubborn! Several times we had gotten into fights where we weren’t on speaking terms for months. It was mostly because one of us would say something annoying and the one who uttered the statement didn’t want to apologize. It was a cycle. It was part of our relationship, when the bad times came they were ice cold, but the good times were some of the best of my life.
Where am I going with this? Well, her birthday is September 25th. Starting around this time for roughly the next month and a half or so, it gets to be a little rough on my mindset. She died on November 6th, 2008. I remember that day so clearly.
I got a missed call from my friend Sherri, I knew something was wrong but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. When I called her back from my work phone and I asked her “What’s up?” She was able to choke out “Cara died this morning, Cara’s dead. I’m sorry Rob.” I was dead silent. Remembering it now brings the same feeling I had then. My world shook. It was as if gravity was heavier than usual as I could barely hold the phone in my hand or even hold my arms up. I had pins and needles all over my body. A piece of me died at that moment. It brings tears to my eyes to remember that moment. I wish things were different because there is one regret I have. When she died, we hadn’t spoken in two months, we were going through one of our fights…
I will always regret that. She died coming home from a night out, probably late at night. I was shown the turn where she died when I went to Florida for the service, it immediately brought me to the thought that had we not been fighting she would still be around. Maybe, just maybe, I would have been able to keep her aware of her surroundings a little more, or engaged her in a conversation that forced her to slow her speed down a little bit and be more careful. These thoughts haunt me from time to time.
I know it probably wouldn’t change anything, but grief puts these thoughts into my head sometimes. It really is unbelievable. But, I do take solace in knowing that wherever she is now, she is partying and having as much fun as she can. I know it’s weird, but sometimes I feel like she is around me. Usually at that time of day when it would just be her and I, those early morning hours when I would sleep next to her. It’s a great feeling to remember.
Instagram is pretty creepy. What’s even more interesting is that people sort of welcome it!
For those who are frequent users of the phone app, you definitely can see that there is a little bit of vanity (and by a little I mean a ton!) involving the pictures. By now, most of you should know about the whole #selfie phenomenon, and this app is basically what spawned, and spread, its usage. The biggest culprits of this vanity, by far, is women.
Now, this is what has confused me since I started seeing these #selfies. Women have always feared being creeped out by men, but with the #selfies that they post on these social media outlets, Instagram in particular, it makes it easy for guys to “get their creep on,” even with these women’s knowledge. Seeing these pictures with hundreds of “likes” underneath show that there are people looking and obviously enjoying what they are seeing. Why is this promoted online?
I understand why seeing someone blatantly ogling a woman with intent is a creepy action. Believe me, I get it. But, isn’t it basically the same thing when it’s done online? If a girl takes a semi-nude photo (basically in her underwear, or even in a bathing suit) and she can see guys making comments like “you sexy mami” and reaching hundreds of “likes” on the picture, it makes it difficult to separate what is proper procedure when that behavior is rewarded with more pictures. While I don’t tolerate it (although some have accused me of my natural aptitude for creepiness), it does make being a creep in person more likely to occur. If this behavior is condoned in the online universe by taking more semi-nude pictures, then those same guys will expect the same to occur in everyday life.
To add to this confusion, some women use their Instagram as a way to tease guys. With suggestive hashtags ranging from #thirsty to #youwantme (both with sexual overtones), these women are inviting men to take action in some way. The easiest way is to catcall. I’m sure there are also worse ways to take action.
Now, I’m not saying that women should stop posting these pictures (I enjoy viewing them just as any other red-blooded American male would!), but women should know that putting these pictures up does condone creepy behavior. These women are facilitating and feeding the #thirst of men, and they are loving it (just admit it, you do!)! There is some gratification there that women must feel when they see a bunch of guys “liking” their picture. It builds up a woman’s self-confidence and decreases their insecurities, how could it not?
That is perhaps part of the reason these girls consistently put these photos up, for the self-confidence they gain from it. Insecurity runs rampant in everyone. It’s either that, or they are narcissists. Confidence is good, but an overt amount of self-admiration leading to narcissism is not good. But, these are two reasons why people put up these pictures. That’s right, I said people. Guys are guilty of doing this as well, especially guys that are really proud of their bodies, which leads me to believe that, for guys at least, it’s more along the narcissism side.
This is a subject that really intrigues me, and I’m not sure anyone has completely looked into it as of yet, as it is still relatively new. But, from what I can tell, women should be wary of what they are allowing others to see. Creepy behavior is something that will just come with the territory in the world of semi-nude #selfies.
Life is one crazy, winding road. The last four months have been a whirlwind.
I guess the biggest thing that has happened over the last couple of months was my brother’s wedding and everything associated with that (see “Bachelor Party”).
The weeks leading up to the “Big Day” were stressful for baby bro. Not only did he have to worry about finalizing the wedding, but he also was in the process of buying a home for he and his wife. You can imagine the stress levels he was dealing with.
When the big day arrived, it was good to see the kid let loose. Even his wife took a couple of drinks (that I saw her ingest at least)! This was surprising because she isn’t a big drinker. So it was good to see the stress levels reduce and have them enjoy the party. But, I could not. I was not going to “unleash the fury” on the party until after I gave my Best Man Speech.
I worked on the speech for a couple of months. It was something that I didn’t want to mess up and have been working on for a few months, so I took a lesson from a buddy of mine who had to give his own speech and heeded his advice by limiting my alcohol consumption before the big moment (for me anyway). I needed to have my wits with me when the spotlight was put on me.
After all the worrying I did, I slayed the room! After the speech (which I will put up soon) I enjoyed the party. Doing “neats” (we called shots, “neats,” as there were no shots allowed during the reception, that didn’t stop us!) and dancing all night, it was a good time for everyone. I was dancing so much, I sweat through my tux! And it was a rental!!! I feel bad for the guy that wore that after me!
Outside of the dancing and drinking, the food was amazing! We were at the Venetian Yacht Club in Babylon, Long Island. A place that had picturesque views of the sunset as it was on the water. Hors d’oeuvres were tasty, the cocktail hour was a nice mix of cuisines and the main course with desserts following were fantastic! There were no complaints on that end, I just wish I could’ve taken some pictures so I could show you all!
So, that’s one of the reasons I’ve been away for so long, and I’m sure I’ll go more in-depth later on.
A blast from the past has unexpectedly made themselves known.
A girl I dated for a short time a few years ago started texting me out of the blue. It’s always a surprise when something like this occurs. But it’s a nice surprise. Why? While most people seem to get skeeved, or creeped, out by someone from their past making an attempt to catch up, I welcome the conversation. It’s happened a few times, but they’ve always ended well (at least from my end of the phone!). But I enjoyed this girl’s company while we were together, however short it was.
Like I said, we “dated” a few years ago. I’m not even sure I can call it dating because it was only a few times that we actually went out. Actually, we had a funny interaction on our first date in that I suggested we called it a “hang out” instead of a “date” just so we didn’t feel too uncomfortable and awkward (Good idea right?)!! I met her in The City one night after a friend’s birthday. We were on one of those booze cruise ships where you had to dress a little snazzy, plus it was for a birthday, as I said, so I didn’t want to look like a total schlub, so I was wearing a collared shirt with a vest, some nice jeans and sweet dress shoes (I was looking pretty good if I may say, you would’ve fell for it too). The booze cruise went shorter than I anticipated and we docked at around 11:30. This would have been an early night for me, so I was curious if anyone else wanted to go out, I had a friend of mine with me and he was ready to go as well, but the majority of people had to catch trains back to Connecticut and Long Island. My friend and I left everyone at that point and decided to have an adventure of our own.
He suggested going to the West Village to scour the scene. I was hesitant because I really didn’t hang out in the West Village all that much, but I let him take me there since the last time I met him over in the area we had a good time at Wilfie & Nell’s. But, when we made our way over there, it was about half past midnight and the bar was packed! We looked around to see what other place there was to go, and that was when we saw it, Diablo Royale!
We wandered over across the street to where it was, my buddy had never been there so he couldn’t give any reviews about it, but it seemed low-key, a place where a couple of dudes could just chill and drink a few before departing. So we enter the establishment and we both notice that it isn’t as empty as we had originally presumed. The bar area was packed! My friend and I squeezed in at the corner of the bar and had a few beers before he decided to call it quits for the night. So there I was, alone at the bar amidst a group of people just finishing my beverage. Not weird or creepy at all, right (That’s rhetorical!)?
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I see these two girls talking to each other about a guy situation. A blonde with short hair sitting with her back to me and a brunette facing my direction. I followed along with the conversation that the brunette was leading for a bit, and thought it was pretty entertaining. I thought she was attractive so I figured, why not!? Then, I found the right time and interjected something along the lines of, “just get rid of the guy!” This is something I do when working retail and people are talking in front of me about something either while I’m showing them some clothes or at the register, but I had never tried it at the bar before this. What happened next was very interesting. They both laughed!! Conversation flowed after that, but died out between myself and the brunette as some other guys joined their party, but I found the blonde attractive as well and more responsive to my quips. She was just cool basically.
So I stuck around for a few more drinks to talk to her for a little bit longer. The one thing I remember is talking about an open wine dispenser that anybody could have drugged and her response being both surprised and in agreement, while laughing! Later on, her friends wanted to leave to go to another spot nearby. Before she left, I asked for her number and she basically said “why not!?” Yes, I believe that was her actual response.
We eventually got together for a couple of dates, but she was going through some things with an ex, I believe, and things eventually stopped. But we kept in touch every now and then. Last summer, we had a phone conversation for a couple of hours. Very strange considering we were still basically strangers, but there was something there that I couldn’t put my finger on that made both of us comfortable enough to just say whatever we wanted to each other, no matter how strange or weird our comments sounded. It was just fun to be on the level with someone.
Why only a phone conversation? We were supposed to meet up, but things came up and I got really busy and she moved away. After that conversation I looked at it as a missed opportunity with a great girl with whom I was comfortable talking to. But, these things happen.
So, to my surprise, I received a text from the same girl basically saying “Hi” after a year and I didn’t think it was weird (It could be because we are both weird, but that’s beside the point)! It actually made me wonder what could have been had things shaken out differently. But, we pretty much picked up right where we left off after the pleasantries of “how are you” and “what are you doing” questions.
Basically what I’m saying is, it’s good to catch up with people from the past every now and then, it makes you remember the good times and moments you’ve had together. But if you can’t reconnect, I’m sure there’s a good reason why you haven’t.
Have any of you ever reconnected with someone that you used to date or from your past in general?
The Silent Sir 