Looking Back: Happy Birthday Cara

One of the first posts I put up here was about a dear friend of mine that passed away a few years ago. Her impact on my life can be seen every single day. She would have been 30-years-old today.

She is the most unique person that I’ve met. She lived for every minute that she was on this plane. I know she is somewhere out there, just making fun of all of her friends without abandon.

Below is the original post, untouched. I keep it this way because it is a raw memory, there’s still a wound there, one that still hurts to talk about. But it also makes me happy to think about her. For those of you that have lost someone close, you know what I mean.

Cara will forever be in my heart. I hope she knows that.

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On an Island in the Sun…

This song, especially this lyric, remind me of someone very special to me.  She was my best friend and nap buddy.  She would come by my house and hang out until the early morning hours where we would just talk and make fun of each other for hours.  After that we would take a nap before I drove her home.  We did that for the longest time before she moved down to Florida, and even when she did move down there we would still talk pretty often, usually at 4 am on her way back from some random place.  She would tell me all about what she did over there, be it something funny, offensive, or just plain ridiculous.  Usually at that time of night there is nothing good to wake up to, but whenever I got that call from her, a calm smile would be drawn across my face.

She did a bunch of things that made me smile.  Of all the people I’ve known in my life, she must’ve had the most amazing experiences I’ve ever heard.  Some of her mishaps are probably the funniest things that happened to her.  It was only funny because she never took it too seriously.  While something that happened to her would be embarrassing for anyone, instead of going into a cocoon, she would embrace it.  I loved that about her, she was just amazing.  I only wish I could embrace everything like she did…

We were alike in one way for sure, that is we are amazingly stubborn!  Several times we had gotten into fights where we weren’t on speaking terms for months.  It was mostly because one of us would say something annoying and the one who uttered the statement didn’t want to apologize.  It was a cycle.  It was part of our relationship, when the bad times came they were ice cold, but the good times were some of the best of my life.

Where am I going with this?  Well, her birthday is September 25th.  Starting around this time for roughly the next month and a half or so, it gets to be a little rough on my mindset.  She died on November 6th, 2008.  I remember that day so clearly.

I got a missed call from my friend Sherri, I knew something was wrong but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  When I called her back from my work phone and I asked her “What’s up?” She was able to choke out “Cara died this morning, Cara’s dead.  I’m sorry Rob.”  I was dead silent.  Remembering it now brings the same feeling I had then.  My world shook.  It was as if gravity was heavier than usual as I could barely hold the phone in my hand or even hold my arms up.  I had pins and needles all over my body.  A piece of me died at that moment.  It brings tears to my eyes to remember that moment.  I wish things were different because there is one regret I have.  When she died, we hadn’t spoken in two months, we were going through one of our fights…

I will always regret that.  She died coming home from a night out, probably late at night.  I was shown the turn where she died when I went to Florida for the service, it immediately brought me to the thought that had we not been fighting she would still be around.  Maybe, just maybe, I would have been able to keep her aware of her surroundings a little more, or engaged her in a conversation that forced her to slow her speed down a little bit and be more careful.  These thoughts haunt me from time to time.

I know it probably wouldn’t change anything, but grief puts these thoughts into my head sometimes.  It really is unbelievable.  But, I do take solace in knowing that wherever she is now, she is partying and  having as much fun as she can.  I know it’s weird, but sometimes I feel like she is around me.  Usually at that time of day when it would just be her and I, those early morning hours when I would sleep next to her.  It’s a great feeling to remember.

I love and miss you Cara.

Currently Listening To:

Weezer – Island in the Sun

Thoughts: Developing my Person

I’ve said earlier on here that I started going back to school. I get pretty excited about learning.

But, this semester, I’ll be taking off from the books. That doesn’t mean I will stop getting my learn on! I’m currently looking for “Professional Development Courses” to help my career, obviously.  I just wish this is something I did earlier.

I think what has happened recently is I discovered a direction for myself. It’s all about advancement, because if you aren’t moving forward, then you are standing still. I just have to better myself in some way. That’s why I started writing without a filter on here and became more honest with people who are in my life, especially women. If I can’t be honest with the people I care about, then what’s the point right?

I need to learn. Learning is part of who I am, and I still have a lot of it to do.

In what direction I will go with this “Professional Learning” is still to be determined. But it will be happening shortly. It’s time to make a move to position myself for better success. Especially now that I kind of know what I need to do. The lack of direction stunted my learning for a time, but now it has been rediscovered and it yearns to be fed more knowledge.

Knowledge is power, my friends. Investing in my mind and body is something I take pride in. Sound in both body and mind as an old philosopher once said (it’s either Plato through Socrates or Aristotle, I’ll lean towards Plato). Let’s see where it takes me over the next several months.

Now be honest people, do you strive to better yourself?

Currently Listening To:

Weezer – I Want You To

The First Four Matches and Analysis

With the NCAA Tournament well underway with the First Four games of the tournament, I thought to myself “self, we should do our own First Four analysis!” About NCAA Basketball? While I’m sure I can make a valiant attempt at it, I probably couldn’t do it justice (at least not now anyway, and certainly not in this forum!). Instead, I will do an analysis of the First Four matches that I’ve had on Tinder!

Being brand spanking new to the scene, I was curious to see what would work and what didn’t. Through these introductory conversations, you can easily tell what works and what doesn’t. Perhaps this will be a help to all you guys out there, and you can do it while watching the NCAA Tournament!

First Match

Over 30 miles away from my central destination. Meaning she probably lives in New Jersey. She’s an attractive 29 year-old woman with a Bob Marley quote in her profile. Once I get the “match” notification from Tinder, I send a message to her. The message was, “Hi, Tinder said we liked each other haha. How are you?”

Result? No response. In retrospect, that introduction comes off a little weird. While weird works for me in the “real world” while meeting people (I’m more of a conversationalist), I understand it could be taken the wrong way online.

Second Match

About 15-20 miles away from my location. This is a little more tricky, as she could be anywhere from Brooklyn, Connecticut or anywhere in between. My guess is Brooklyn judging from her pictures, she had a bit of a hipster vibe. She has a fake name and a fake age (108!) listed on her profile, the only link into who she is revolves around a quote from C.S. Lewis, one that I enjoyed. I send over, “Hey, how’s it going? Nice CS Lewis quote.”

Result? A response! “Hey” and “It’s good rite?” Upon receiving these separate messages, I responded “I think so, gets ya thinking. What’s your name? And you look good for 108 haha.” Result? No response. In retrospect, perhaps it was too early to ask serious questions like I did and I should’ve just gone more into the quote. But, it was going to come sooner or later.

Third Match

Around 10-15 miles away from me. It is certain I’ve found someone who lives on the same island as me! Very exciting to say the least. Very attractive 23 year-old with something in her profile saying “New York City is my playground.” I reach out and say “Hey, good morning! You live in the city?”

Result? A response, but a day later. But, this conversation extended way longer than the previous one (I will spare you all the details). The week long discussion ended though, once I gave her my number. In retrospect, I may have given the number too early while in conversation. Or, I may not have shown too much of a sexual attraction to her (even though she is enormously attractive) in an attempt to not come off as strange. All things come to an end!

Fourth Match

Over 35 miles away. Another New Jersey girl makes an appearance. A young girl, 19 years old and it looks like she’s a dancer of some kind. In her profile, it said something along the lines of “This is my favorite game!” She has since changed it to “I’m here to make fun of you….” I send to her “Good morning! What are you up to?”

Result? No response, and not surprisingly. As she said, she considered it more of a game. In retrospect, why did I even send a message on this one?

Overall, not much happened with these First Four matches. What they did do for me is give me some solid experience with online interaction, and that’s a good thing. Gather from this what you will gentlemen. There is a common theme between each of these interactions, to which I will address at a later time. Hopefully this helps you all in some way. What did you notice between each of these interactions?

Currently Listening To:

Weezer – Dope Nose

Memories: Remembering an Old Friend

I wrote the following post about a year ago, and because it’s the anniversary of a day that has forever changed my life, I’m just going to let these thoughts go once again since a lot of the same sentiments are there. I don’t think they will ever leave. Perhaps they have even gotten stronger as the years have gone by.

This time of year has always been rough for me, and with the recent passing of another special person in my life merely a week ago, it doesn’t get any easier in dealing with this period of the year. The one sense of solace that I take from their absence is that they are in a place that is far better than this mortal plane. At least that is what I believe in my heart. But, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with their loss.

I miss you Cara. I miss you grandma. I love you both.

November 6, 2008

With the anniversary falling on Election Day this year, I was reminded of perhaps one of the worst days of my life.

I’ve mentioned before (On An Island In The Sun…)how much this time of year is rough for me.  I always go back to the same memories and the same feelings that I went through at this time four years ago.  The the tears that I shed that day were some of the most painful I’ve ever let loose in my life.  It’s an anniversary that I don’t celebrate, but I can’t let myself forget.

This time of year is probably worse for me than any other point during the year.  I just think back on all the times that Cara and I had together, our fights, our laughs, my head just gets flooded with memories, and my eyes with tears.  The moments that I remember the most are when we were together, just us two.  Just talking, watching movies, and sleeping on the couch or in bed together (and of course being woken by her snores).  These are the moments that I remember.  These are the moments that I will carry with me throughout the rest of my life.

We all had big plans growing up, like who we wanted to be professionally and where we wanted to live.  Around the time of her death, it seemed like Cara was living the life she wanted to live.  Cara found a job that she loved, working with animals in a veterinary office.  This is significant because for as long as I’ve known her, she pretty much had a new job every other week.  She was living in Florida on her own with her dogs and near her parents after years of living in New York.  It just seemed like she was just about to advance on to the next stage of her life before life had other plans for  her.  So sad to even think about…

Why do I keep bringing this up?  Well, I like to write about her, it helps me deal with my feelings a little bit better.  Also, if anyone else has been in a situation like this, I’d like those people to know that they aren’t the only ones that feel like that.  While everyday I get better, I am still in pain at the thought of what happened to Cara.  She had so much going for her, I can only take solace in the thought that God had a better plan for her than the one she was beginning to plan.  I hope that wherever she is, she knows that she is still in my thoughts everyday and I know we will see each other again.

I love you Cara, I miss you.

Currently Listening To:

Everlast – What It’s Like

Looking Back: A Friend Never Forgotten

It is almost a good friend’s birthday is today. It got me to thinking about her and the huge impact she has had on my life. She is someone that will never leave neither my mind, nor my heart. She would have been 29 this year.

She was the subject of one of my first posts that I started on this blog, I went to take a look back and see what I wrote. It gives me chills to read it because all of those same feelings are still there inside of my being.

I still love her, and I know she’s doing crazy ridiculous things wherever she is.

Below is the original post, it’s amazing how long it’s been since I’ve seen her, but I can still easily picture her face at a given moment. I will never stop missing her.

On an Island in the Sun…

This song, especially this lyric, remind me of someone very special to me.  She was my best friend and nap buddy.  She would come by my house and hang out until the early morning hours where we would just talk and make fun of each other for hours.  After that we would take a nap before I drove her home.  We did that for the longest time before she moved down to Florida, and even when she did move down there we would still talk pretty often, usually at 4 am on her way back from some random place.  She would tell me all about what she did over there, be it something funny, offensive, or just plain ridiculous.  Usually at that time of night there is nothing good to wake up to, but whenever I got that call from her, a calm smile would be drawn across my face.

She did a bunch of things that made me smile.  Of all the people I’ve known in my life, she must’ve had the most amazing experiences I’ve ever heard.  Some of her mishaps are probably the funniest things that happened to her.  It was only funny because she never took it too seriously.  While something that happened to her would be embarrassing for anyone, instead of going into a cocoon, she would embrace it.  I loved that about her, she was just amazing.  I only wish I could embrace everything like she did…

We were alike in one way for sure, that is we are amazingly stubborn!  Several times we had gotten into fights where we weren’t on speaking terms for months.  It was mostly because one of us would say something annoying and the one who uttered the statement didn’t want to apologize.  It was a cycle.  It was part of our relationship, when the bad times came they were ice cold, but the good times were some of the best of my life.

Where am I going with this?  Well, her birthday is September 25th.  Starting around this time for roughly the next month and a half or so, it gets to be a little rough on my mindset.  She died on November 6th, 2008.  I remember that day so clearly.

I got a missed call from my friend Sherri, I knew something was wrong but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  When I called her back from my work phone and I asked her “What’s up?” She was able to choke out “Cara died this morning, Cara’s dead.  I’m sorry Rob.”  I was dead silent.  Remembering it now brings the same feeling I had then.  My world shook.  It was as if gravity was heavier than usual as I could barely hold the phone in my hand or even hold my arms up.  I had pins and needles all over my body.  A piece of me died at that moment.  It brings tears to my eyes to remember that moment.  I wish things were different because there is one regret I have.  When she died, we hadn’t spoken in two months, we were going through one of our fights…

I will always regret that.  She died coming home from a night out, probably late at night.  I was shown the turn where she died when I went to Florida for the service, it immediately brought me to the thought that had we not been fighting she would still be around.  Maybe, just maybe, I would have been able to keep her aware of her surroundings a little more, or engaged her in a conversation that forced her to slow her speed down a little bit and be more careful.  These thoughts haunt me from time to time.

I know it probably wouldn’t change anything, but grief puts these thoughts into my head sometimes.  It really is unbelievable.  But, I do take solace in knowing that wherever she is now, she is partying and  having as much fun as she can.  I know it’s weird, but sometimes I feel like she is around me.  Usually at that time of day when it would just be her and I, those early morning hours when I would sleep next to her.  It’s a great feeling to remember.

I love and miss you Cara.

Currently Listening To:

Weezer – Island in the Sun