My Best Man’s Speech to my Brother and his Wife

My brother got married a little over a month ago at this point. I was anointed the his Best Man. The duties included setting up the bachelor party (which I thought was pretty awesome) and having to come up with a speech to knock the pants off of everyone in the room. Here’s what I came up with for my speech.

Good evening everyone. I hope you are all enjoying yourselves, but this is a night devoted to the Bride & Groom. So, let’s give them another hand!

I can’t say enough how happy I am for the both of you. You are truly lucky to have one another.

If you all haven’t figured it out by now, I’ll tell you that my name is Rob and I’m the brother of the Groom and his Best Man. And through the Groom, I’ve gotten to know the Bride Fairly well over the last few years. What are some things that I know, you may be asking? First, she makes amazing desserts! The family and I can’t get enough of her goodies, I didn’t mean it in that way you animals! Secondly, she is the only person I know that gets comfortable by placing her body into a pretzel. I don’t get it. It astounds me every time I see her do it. I can barely touch my toes! And the last thing I know is that Lord of the Rings puts her to sleep no matter what time of day it is. And, if you know James, it’s amazing that he’s been able to look past this fault. Don’t worry James, she’ll come around.

Now Wife-to-Be, you should know that you are one lucky woman. My brother is very special to me. He’s been with me through thick and thin. If there are a few words that can describe the Groom, they would be that he is caring and determined individual that loves to make himself and others, but mostly himself, laugh while never hesitating to lend a helping hand. 

My brother and I have been following each other into many situations, good or bad, for all our lives. When one of us did something, the other would have to follow. Brothers in life and brothers in arms just following each other into battle. I’ve got a story for you all. 

When we were babies, and I’m talking super-little like the size of munchkins in the Land of Oz, we were obsessed with going to the supermarket. Any time our parents mentioned that word, “supermarket,” we would freak out! We would scream, cheer and say “YEAH!” All sorts of ridiculousness. Have any of you met kids that excited to go to the supermarket? Actually, my brother still gets excited about going there to buy his Teddy Grahams, Oreos and Chips Ahoy, the chewy kind of course.

But anyway, back to the story. So we’re munchkins stoked about going to the supermarket. Over by our house in Queens, there was a Met Food on Lefferts Boulevard by the Conduits. The parents drove us to the supermarket in a snow storm. I’m assuming they just needed to pick up the essentials while also keeping a watchful eye on us. And since it was a major snow storm, my mother, say hi mom, needed to bundle her children up and protect us from the cold. Have you all seen A Christmas Story? Remember the onesie that Ralphie’s brother was forced to wear whenever they went out in the snow and he couldn’t put his arms down? Imagine that same exact outfit for both my brother and I. It was the 80s winter staple!

So we arrive at the supermarket. My parents let me out of the car first and my brother out second. And I make a mad dash for the entrance! But, in this supermarket, they had barriers or gates that were used to prevent people from stealing shopping carts. So, I’m running without a care in the world, the BOOM!! I slam my forehead into the bar and fall onto my back and into the snow and start to cry from shock, pain and embarrassment!

Literally seconds later, my brother, the accountant, does the same exact thing. BOOM in the forehead and then falls back into the snow. And he starts crying! Two brothers lying in the snow crying their eyes out. And all the while, my loving parents are laughing their asses off!

But, what you need to take away from this is my brother didn’t want me to be the only one being laughed at! He thought “If my brother is going down, then I’m going down with him!” And that’s why I love this guy.

So future Wife, I hope this story shows you what kind of guy you’re getting. He’s as loyal as they come. Even when he thinks it’s a bad idea, and after he fails trying to talk you out of said idea, he will follow you down whatever road you travel. I just ask that you do the same. 

Currently Listening To:

Gin Blossoms – Follow You Down

ICYMI: Baby Bro’s Wedding

Life is one crazy, winding road. The last four months have been a whirlwind.

I guess the biggest thing that has happened over the last couple of months was my brother’s wedding and everything associated with that (see “Bachelor Party”).

The weeks leading up to the “Big Day” were stressful for baby bro. Not only did he have to worry about finalizing the wedding, but he also was in the process of buying a home for he and his wife. You can imagine the stress levels he was dealing with.

When the big day arrived, it was good to see the kid let loose. Even his wife took a couple of drinks (that I saw her ingest at least)! This was surprising because she isn’t a big drinker. So it was good to see the stress levels reduce and have them enjoy the party. But, I could not. I was not going to “unleash the fury” on the party until after I gave my Best Man Speech.

I worked on the speech for a couple of months. It was something that I didn’t want to mess up and have been working on for a few months, so I took a lesson from a buddy of mine who had to give his own speech and heeded his advice by limiting my alcohol consumption before the big moment (for me anyway). I needed to have my wits with me when the spotlight was put on me.

After all the worrying I did, I slayed the room! After the speech (which I will put up soon) I enjoyed the party. Doing “neats” (we called shots, “neats,” as there were no shots allowed during the reception, that didn’t stop us!) and dancing all night, it was a good time for everyone. I was dancing so much, I sweat through my tux! And it was a rental!!! I feel bad for the guy that wore that after me!

Outside of the dancing and drinking, the food was amazing! We were at the Venetian Yacht Club in Babylon, Long Island. A place that had picturesque views of the sunset as it was on the water. Hors d’oeuvres were tasty, the cocktail hour was a nice mix of cuisines and the main course with desserts following were fantastic! There were no complaints on that end, I just wish I could’ve taken some pictures so I could show you all!

So, that’s one of the reasons I’ve been away for so long, and I’m sure I’ll go more in-depth later on.

What have you all been doing over the summer?

Currently Listening To:

John Fogerty – Fortunate Son (Live)

My Brother Ate my Pizza… Now he Must DIE!!!

There’s one thing you should know about me, I’m very possessive about my food. When the food is in front of me, it’s all for me, it’s my own, my precioussssss…

On Friday, my mom went into Brooklyn to visit some family that we have in there (while I was busy at work, not fun). What she came back with later on that night was nothing short of awesome. My Aunt Mary made a cheesecake flan (very tasty) and mom brought back another treat, L&B’s Pizza from Spumoni Gardens. It’s a little something we get every time we head into Brooklyn, we can’t get enough of the “inside-out” pizza.  Why do I call it that? Simple! The cheese is laid onto the dough first and then the sauce is layered onto it while parmesan cheese and oil tops it, and it’s all square slices. The sauce is so tangy and sweet, I love it, by far my favorite part of the pizza. When mom came home, I immediately had a slice with as much sauce as possible and devoured it!

Let’s fast forward to Saturday afternoon. I came back from an afternoon of golfing, looking forward to eating a couple of slices of my beloved L&B’s. But, to my surprise, the slices were all gone! All that was left was one, teeny, tiny slice. I knew who the culprit was immediately. My evil and conniving brother had swiped the slices from underneath my nose while I was out golfing. That sneaky little bugger robbed me blind. All of my excitement left me, and anger filled my cheeks. I couldn’t wait to bite into that delicious, saucy pizza, but my brother stole that joy from me. HE STOLE IT FROM ME!!!

I called him as soon as my senses recovered, berated him and told him “a cracka is gonna die tonight!” The whole time, I could hear him laughing on the other side of the line. When he finally had a chance to speak, the only thing he could say was “Rob, it was so good!” Those words put me on a rampage! If you are wondering why I dug into him so much, aside from the fact that I LOVE that pizza, he made it a point to belittle the glory of L&B’s pizza and say it’s not even that good. It’s not even that good, YET HE DEVOURED MORE SLICES THAN I DID!!! That is why, my brother must pay…

After hearing those words leave his lips and travel through the phone line, I formulated a plan that will be put in affect sometime soon, when exactly I do not know. It could be tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year, but it will happen. Just when he least expects it, when he feels safe, that’s when I will strike! Vengeance is best served cold, that’s what they all say, but I hope it’s served with a side of hot and tasty slice of L&B’s inside-out pizza!

Lesson here, don’t mess with this man’s food!

Currently Listening To:

Modest Mouse – Float On