My Brother Ate All of the Bologna … Now He Must Die!!!

On a weekend where my mother wouldn’t be around the house because she would be going away for work, we all decided (my dad, brother and I) that we would feast on cold cuts and sandwiches the entire weekend. What’s better than sandwiches for the duration of a lazy weekend!? I LOVE SANDWICHES!!! We figured we would commence our idea on the Friday when she would leave for work.

On that Friday night, my dad and I feasted on our sandwiches loaded with meat and cheese, while watching sports. Talk about a man night. We did this without my brother in attendance, he made last-minute plans with his lady and went out to dinner. We didn’t mind, except that we were waiting for him to come home so we could all get our sandwich on together. We are a close family. I had my sandwich, an epic sandwich that must’ve weighed-in between 1.5-2 pounds, loaded with bologna, ham, turkey, and 3 cheeses (American, Muenster and Swiss). Are you not jealous!? So much meat and cheese, so glorious.

After the initial sandwiches were made, there was still a significant amount of cold cuts left for a few more sandwiches. The next day, I went to class and was looking forward to sandwich time when I returned home. Little did I know what was about to happen.

I came home to find my brother sitting on the couch, he had made himself a sandwich and accused me of making another sandwich. Allegations that I denied wholeheartedly. He recounted his experience making his sandwich and made a note that the bologna was a little light. Now, let me tell you something about my brother, he is a strange individual with food. When he makes a sandwich, there can only be one cold cut between the bread … I repeat, only one meat!! When I made this fact known, my dad started saying “so you ate all the meat” to which my brother did not deny eating a lot of bologna. In fact, he said he left 5 slices that my dad laid a claim to while I was at school. Annoyed, I said I was fine with the decision.

We were sitting around watching the hockey game on the TV, and when it concluded I decided that I would go do some sandwich-making. I took out the cheeses, the turkey and the ham. As I start to slice the Italian bread in half, my brother comes next to me and says “I think I’m gonna take some ham!” As he takes a slice, a look of joy comes over his face and continues to say “That’s good! I’m gonna grab another piece!”

As he reached over again for another slice, I said “Don’t do it man, dad’s gonna get mad.” It was at this point that dad walked into the kitchen and exclaimed loudly “you’re eating all the ham now!!?” He comes over to my station, examines the amount of ham left.

There were 2 slices left.

The temperature in the room has seemingly risen a few degrees due to my dad’s anger rising. “You did eat all the ham!!” I could tell that he was beginning to take this to heart. To this, my brother reacted in a mocking anger and said “what? You don’t want me to eat the ham!? Fine!!” He then threw down the ham back from where he picked it up, the meat making a slapping noise as it made contact with the other slices. “I won’t eat the meat then!!” Dad didn’t take to this too kindly. “First, you eat all the bologna, then you eat all the ham!! I can’t even make a sandwich now, you’re selfish!!”

This just turned into a full-blown argument. My brother began to laugh in disbelief as they went back and forth. The entire time, I was just standing and making my sandwich with a slight smile on my face. I somehow knew it would turn out like this because I have the same issues with him taking all the bologna.

You may remember that my brother is a notorious food stealer. There was a pizza incident between him and I, roughly about 6 months ago, that came to a head. If you haven’t noticed, my family is pretty serious about food!

Eventually, cooler heads prevailed (after a couple of hours of course). To smooth everything over, my brother bought my dad a Frosty and chili from Wendy’s. But, before he did so, he wanted to have a little fun with him and called me up. But his plan was foiled.

“I wanted you to be in front of dad and say ‘Oh, you’re getting me Wendy’s!’ but not ask him if he wanted some!” The whole time laughing.

At the end of the day, everything was smoothed over and we joke about it now. My dad didn’t end up eating another sandwich, he was satisfied with the Wendy’s. As for the remaining bologna, my brother finished that as well. And what about the ham you ask? I made another sandwich and finished that. But, lesson learned, don’t mess with food in my family. You won’t make it out alive.

Currently Listening To:

Social Distortion – Machine Gun Blues

The Super Bowl, or as I call it, National Eating Day!

The Super Bowl means 2 things to me, food and football. The football part obviously involves the game itself and the viewing experience (yada yada yada). But, just as important, and perhaps even more important, is the whole food situation at whatever party you are attending! The food makes the party, a minor spread will lead to a minor party and dissatisfied guests! And no one likes that.

If you haven’t noticed, or are new to the blog (welcome!), you should know that I’m a little obsessive about food. The taste of good food is one of the top pleasures in life. Why do I treasure it and hold it in such high regard? Well, for the majority of the year, I keep myself on a strict eating plan. So when I let loose, I let it all loose!

In fact, this year I will have two separate eating affairs. The first eating event will take place at a friend’s place. They are having a party and never fail to live up to expectations involving the food situation. Sandwiches, wings, cookies, cakes and pretty much anything else you can come up with. It’s a great way to start an eating binge. An Assortment of tastes coming across the tongue so divinely, it’s maddening  how good it is.

But, this is just the start. Usually around halftime of the Big Game I leave my friend’s place to return home to watch the game with my family (there’s a whole reason for it, it’s not total insanity and gluttony). Here, my brother and I have plotted how we will abuse our stomachs and enlarge our fat stores. Wings, pizza, cookies and brownies are the stars of this segment. And there may be more!

I’m drooling just thinking about the feasting that will occur! I know it will be amazing, my stomach will hate me for it, but it must be done!

As I’ve said, the Super Bowl is an event of massive proportions, it’s important that the feast match the significance of the game. Like I said earlier, it might be even more important than the game itself (as long as you aren’t the one playing of course)! As you can see, I’m taking the proper measures, are you?

Currently Listening To:

Michelle Branch – Goodbye to You

My Brother Ate my Pizza… Now he Must DIE!!!

There’s one thing you should know about me, I’m very possessive about my food. When the food is in front of me, it’s all for me, it’s my own, my precioussssss…

On Friday, my mom went into Brooklyn to visit some family that we have in there (while I was busy at work, not fun). What she came back with later on that night was nothing short of awesome. My Aunt Mary made a cheesecake flan (very tasty) and mom brought back another treat, L&B’s Pizza from Spumoni Gardens. It’s a little something we get every time we head into Brooklyn, we can’t get enough of the “inside-out” pizza.  Why do I call it that? Simple! The cheese is laid onto the dough first and then the sauce is layered onto it while parmesan cheese and oil tops it, and it’s all square slices. The sauce is so tangy and sweet, I love it, by far my favorite part of the pizza. When mom came home, I immediately had a slice with as much sauce as possible and devoured it!

Let’s fast forward to Saturday afternoon. I came back from an afternoon of golfing, looking forward to eating a couple of slices of my beloved L&B’s. But, to my surprise, the slices were all gone! All that was left was one, teeny, tiny slice. I knew who the culprit was immediately. My evil and conniving brother had swiped the slices from underneath my nose while I was out golfing. That sneaky little bugger robbed me blind. All of my excitement left me, and anger filled my cheeks. I couldn’t wait to bite into that delicious, saucy pizza, but my brother stole that joy from me. HE STOLE IT FROM ME!!!

I called him as soon as my senses recovered, berated him and told him “a cracka is gonna die tonight!” The whole time, I could hear him laughing on the other side of the line. When he finally had a chance to speak, the only thing he could say was “Rob, it was so good!” Those words put me on a rampage! If you are wondering why I dug into him so much, aside from the fact that I LOVE that pizza, he made it a point to belittle the glory of L&B’s pizza and say it’s not even that good. It’s not even that good, YET HE DEVOURED MORE SLICES THAN I DID!!! That is why, my brother must pay…

After hearing those words leave his lips and travel through the phone line, I formulated a plan that will be put in affect sometime soon, when exactly I do not know. It could be tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year, but it will happen. Just when he least expects it, when he feels safe, that’s when I will strike! Vengeance is best served cold, that’s what they all say, but I hope it’s served with a side of hot and tasty slice of L&B’s inside-out pizza!

Lesson here, don’t mess with this man’s food!

Currently Listening To:

Modest Mouse – Float On